Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
