maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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