Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
