i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize