Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
