You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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