if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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