Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
