guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
