After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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