I faked an abortion last night.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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