My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
