I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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