she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
