I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
