No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
