I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
