what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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