i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
