Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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