you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
