we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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