Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
