All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
