so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
