About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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