You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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