You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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