Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
