shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
