You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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