Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
