my vag is so smooth its legendary
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we're making bets on your personal life
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
