I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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