two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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