Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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