Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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