I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
