Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize