I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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