Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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