I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
me + whiskey = a bad person
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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