I am in a vortex of obligation.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
