I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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