hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
