I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
