thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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