I just pynch a tree in the face
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
