I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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