i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
