i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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