I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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