So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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