He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i dont even know how to be here
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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