i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
