I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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